Every once in a while, everyone gets time to think. You never know when an idea will hit you. Sometimes thoughts come at some awkward times, like in the middle of a conversation, something just hits you odd and it triggers some synapses into a random firing that produces some unusual thought. You could be driving, and for lack of something else to entertain yourself, you keep a large portion of your brain focused on not running into those other vehicles, but let a small part of your mind wander and have some fun. Maybe you're sitting there on the toilet, you forgot a magazine, and you know you're going to be stuck in there a while, you've got to find some way to pass the time while you're passing something else. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers for my thoughts, but they are things to ponder about.
So here's some of the products of my derranged mind. It may make you laugh, it may make you think, it may make you angry. Read, be entertained, be amused, be annoyed, but be something.
If a cannibal only eats quadrapalegics, does that technically make him a vegetarian?
What did man say everything tasted like before he ate a chicken?
Just who the hell is the "they" in "that's what they say"?
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two rights make a U-turn in England.
If you have more than one dog, and one of them farts, do you ever wonder if they try and blame it on a human in order to appear "cool" to the other dogs?
You know you are dealing with a bad psychic if they have an answering machine or voicemail.
It should be OK to kill people who have ESP, since they should have seen it coming.
Why is it that the electoral college are really a bunch of drop-outs?
People are always complaining about capital punishment, namely the death penalty. They always whine that it's cruel and unusual. Well, it's certainly not as cruel as it should be, as I feel that it shouldn't be so damn humane, especially considering why these people are being convicted for their crimes and sentenced to death. But unusual? I don't think so. Even then, it's only "unusual" the first time. Case and point: let's say that the new form for carrying out a death sentence is to strap dynamite to the soon to be former-living convict and just blow him up. Maybe even add a countdown with people chanting down the numbers like the ball dropping on Times Square New York City on New Years Eve. BOOM, parts everywhere. Now, of course, this being the first one, people are going to say "My, that's unusual", but after that, it's not so unusual.
Why is it that the news always says, when reporting about gay people, always uses the terms "gays and lesbians"? Why is that "gay" always refers to ONLY men while the ladies get stuck with "lesbian"? Couldn't the term "homosexuals" or even just "gay" be sufficient to cover both males and females who are decidely homosexual? Now, I don't want to be judgemental or sound like some sort of closed-minded person, as I don't care if someone is gay, straight or whatever, it's just not important to me. Most of the gay men I've known or worked with have actually said they prefered to be called "fags". I usually prefer to use their first name, as it's so much easier to have a conversation with them.
How the hell can a group be "alternative" with more than one album? Think about it, after the first album, it's more of the same. Besides, 99% of all alternative is music NOT being properly categorized in order to boost sales. "Alternative" is a hip marketing buzz-word for the music industry, used to drive the largely non-thinking teenage population into buying the fad of the moment music by disposable artists.
Have you ever noticed how most swear words can be just about any part of speech? Let's use the word "shit" for an example:
What is this shit? In this case, shit is a noun. Please excuse me, I have to shit. Now it's a verb, but this is a compound sentence. It's the shit! In this example, shit is an adjective. It this example, "shit" is a good thing. Pearl Jam is really shitty Again, adjective. Also, a true statement, at least in my opinion. If you're a Pearl Jam fan, go eat shit and die.(noun) I have a really shitty job in the mall. Now, this one is confusing. In this case, the job is the activity, hence a verb. This makes "shit" an adverb, as is "really" this example. A person does something unintentional and yells, "SHIT!" Exclamation.And if you're worried about dangling participles, you should wipe better next time.
If a fat and lazy slob gets a fungal infection on his feet, why should it be called "athlete's foot"? I mean, it's obvious this lardo isn't an athlete.
Don't you just love those new television commercials. Women proudly proclaiming their yeast infections and other afflictions, men boasting of jock itch or other disorders. But wait, there's more! You name the orifice and there's some commercial of some person not only glad to have the product, but the condition it's for. Femenine deodorant sprays, douche and women discussing "freshness", hemorrhoids, constipation, diarrhea, Depends undergarmets(Pampers, they aren't just for infants anymore!), jock itch, femenine itch, stinky underarms, dandruff, bad breath, flatulence. You know, there is a time and place to discuss such issues, and national TV is NOT one of those times.
Some women blame their crankiness and irritability on that "time of the month". Fine. Please explain why you're like that the rest of the time.
Ever notice that such abortion doctors are being killed by anti-abortionists? Apparently it's OK to kill them once they are OUT of the womb, but inside is off limits. While we're on the subject, aren't anti-abortionists the most open minded people you've ever met?
I've got no pity or empathy for psychics who go out of business.
Why is it people use the phrase, or variations of the phrase:
"I have to take a crap."
It makes more sense to me to LEAVE one.
I suppose if you're "curbing" your dog, it would make more sense. Make sure you wear gloves.
Do you ever wonder if a chicken ate another chicken just so it could figure out what it tasted like?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Do fish get thirsty?
What about those amphibians? After eating something, should they wait 30 minutes before swimming or scampering about on dry land?
Have you ever noticed that nodbody sells quiet speakers? They only seem to have loudspeakers.
Since bookworms eat books and earthworms eat dirt(earth), how did we come to call an intestinal parasite a tapeworm?
If I were to tranquilize those unwanted Jehovah's Witnesses and then drop them off somewhere deep in the woods, would that technically be considered a witness relocation program?
If a tree falls in the woods and hits a mime, does it make a sound? Even better, does anyone care?
I don't like flying. One of the things they tell you to do is in the event of a crash, they want you to put your head between your legs. I suppose this is so you can kiss your ass goodbye. I figure, if they want us to assume crash positions, let's just let everyone just lay all over each other, as that's what's going to happen anyways.
Has anyone ever figured out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
I always hated word problems in math, they were so unrealistic. Example:
A train leaves from Los Angeles for New York at 6:30 AM on Friday, and is traveling east at 60 miles per hour. A train leaves New York for Los Angeles and is traveling west at 50 miles per hour. The two cities at 2685 miles apart. When will the two trains meet?Well, lets see. My answer: when they crash into each other.
Barring that, let's figure in all the variables:
Are they on the same set of tracks? If so, why isn't the person who make that decision fired?
We're leaving out the description and map of the train tracks, as this can make a huge amount of difference, since this isn't a straight shot. We're also leaving out things such as turns and grade, which make a difference as well.
Are the two trains from different railways? If so, they may never meet in the first place.
Don't forget wind and altitude as for measuring wind resistance and wind assistance.
These trains don't just start from 0 and immediately go to 60 miles per hour, there is some time involved in there.
Besides, who rides the train anymore? It's so much quicker to fly.
Sometimes criminals and their lawyers try to get a better sentence or aquittal via the phrase "by reason of insanity". I personally don't buy that excuse. I say if they are insane, send them to a normal prison, they won't know, since they are insane. Also, if it's a capital case and the wacko is found guilty and sentenced to die, the whole execution process should be streamlined since the insane criminal won't know what's going on.
What is the point of English class? Yes, I understand the need to properly use the language, and it's become apparent that the general population can't properly use the language just based on posts I read on the internet, excluding those non-American or English-as-a-second language folks who actually make an attempt to use English to communicate. First, they hammer diction and grammar at you to enforce the structure of the language. Then they throw the rules at you, then immediately follow that up with the 18 zillion exceptions to the rule. But wait, there's more! They grade you strictly, knocking you down for any and all errors. The icing on the cake is now they want you to develop your own style, but if you do, you get a bad grade, since your style doesn't exactly follow all those damn rules. What's the point? If we become non-thinking robots, we get good grades, but show a spark of originality and we get docked points. What a double standard.
Reading some of the "great works" in literature gave me mixed results. Sure, I liked some of the books, I won't argue that point. Some of them I didn't bother to read, although you'd never guess by the grades I got on those tests. What I really hated is when we were discussing the "interpretation" or other hidden meanings. My views NEVER agreed with the teacher, yet I had to conform to those views in order to get a passing grade. What's the point of interpreting something if you're only going to have the "correct" interpretation rammed down your throat?
My high school went through a book banning phase. In fact, so did my school district, the corrupt bastards!(San Juan Unified School district is so damn corrupt!) They banned Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn for the use of the word "nigger". Now, that is certainly not one of the words I personally would use, but considering when it was written, that word is correct and proper as it was part of the common language, despite it even being negative slang back then. Red Riding Hood was banned from the lower grades because Red Riding Hood took a bottle of wine to her grandmother, thus encouraging underage drinking. A song by Bon Jovi was banned from the Senior Prom(man, that was a mistake going to that) because there was mention of the word "six-pack", thus inferring alcohol consumption. Hey, the term six-pack wasn't further refined, it could have been Coke(or Pepsi, whatever). There was no mention of a lyrical line further in the song regarding having sex in the back seat of the car. Still, while we're busy banning all this literary classics and nursery rhymes, they FORCE us to read Shakespear, who I personally don't enjoy, but that's not the issue. Tom Sawyer is banned for using the word "nigger" while Shakespear is imposed upon us, complete with such inspirational items such as:
Rape with pretty graphic detail.
Murder with many variations on that theme.
Incest, of course I can see how the midwest and south don't see anything wrong with this.
Murder with a plot of revenge by avenging the murder by killing the killer.
Deceit.
Adultery.
I don't quite understand it either.
What's the point of high school reunions? In 1995 I made the wise decision to NOT go to mine. Why? Well, I didn't like them while I was in school with them, why the hell should I pretend to like them 5 years later? I didn't even fake liking them while I was there. I can't wait to avoid any future reunions. I hope they got my letter requesting that I no longer be contacted in regards to any reunions, as I ain't going anyways. There are like 5 people from high school I still keep in contact with, the rest I don't care to deal with in any way. UPDATE: 2000: That number is now ZERO.
If you take the second "m" out of "Mormon" you get "moron". I don't know, but it seems more accurate that way, at least it does to me.
You know that term "fire at will"? What I'd want to know is what did Will do to piss all these people off? I'm sure some idiot name Fred or George or Sam or something is off somewhere screwing up. Why not fire at him?
I see these commercials trying to help promote literacy. I saw a really good one recently that gave instructions to write to a certain address for more information. The address was only displayed on the screen. You'd figure if they could WRITE for the information, they could READ the information off the screen, and therefore wouldn't need to write for the information in the first place.
Do Chinese people ever get sick of Chinese food?
Why does the "Weather Channel" building not have any windows?(True fact)
They say that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Do you know of ANYONE who lives in a glass house?
Doctors are always "practicing" medicine. Screw that, I want someone who has perfected medicine to be working on me.
While sitting on the toilet the other night, it suddenly occurred to me what the numbers for the McDonald's value meals mean. For example, I had the #4, which was the double quarter pounder with cheese, large fries and a large drink. I'm fairly sure that as a direct result of consuming this food-like substance, I had to do a BIG #2 and two #1's. Of course, this used to be a #7, which resulted in two smaller #2's and three #1's. If you don't know what #1 and #2 are in potty-lingo, go ask someone.
Did you ever notice that whenever you're inside, no matter where you are, it's always room temperature?
I'd buy Easter seals, but I don't know what to feed them.
I read a little local news in the "Neighbors" section of my local newspaper, the Sacramento Bee. To anyone who needs more information, the Bee makes different pressings for each area so it represents what's going on locally. It's not really that bad of a concept.
Anyways, I'll cut to the chase. There is this major road that I live off of and there are 8 fatality accidents between a stretch of this road from the Sacramento County entrance to the nearest signal going south. Reason why I mention the Sacramento County entrance/exit is because the neighborhood extends into Placer county where there are two other points of entry. So, little Steven Street folks, a total of 36 houses, are bitching about how dangerous it is to make left turns across massively busy Hazel. No argument from me, I will NOT cross Hazel without the assistance of a signal. But there are over 200 houses in my neighborhood, so what, do our protests not count for anything?
Between the speeding trucks and the merging traffic playing "Indy 500" going south on Hazel and the HUGE lines of cars driving too closely, people still insist on taking left turns out of that Sacramento County entrance and crossing Hazel. I mean, if they'd take the 30 seconds to take one of the Placer entrances, hang a right, they could make a nice safe left turn with the aid of a nice traffic signal. I guess taking the extra few seconds to save their own lives is not as important as trying to shoot out of the neighborhood.
If you don't care if you get paper or plastic bags at the supermarket, does that make you "bi-sacksual"?
How can a band be "alternative" when they have more than one album? At that point, they should be labelled "more of the same".
Face it dorks, alternative music is just mis-labelled music so you stupid teenagers will suck it up. It works, all these lame bands are getting short term riches, and then they get discarded just as quickly as you get bored with their music.
I suppose I shouldn't let this bother me, but I can see the deterioration of the United States Public Education system, as can the rest of the world. I personally find it distracting. It seems that homonyms are the problem words, you know, words that sound alike buy are spelled differently and mean different things.
A few examples:
Your, you're
There, they're, their
where, were
whether, weather
hear, here
In case you haven't heard, George Clooney will not do anymore interviews with the trash tabloid show "Entertainment Tonight" and one other trash tabloid show that is also owned by Paramount. Dean Cain, they guy who plays Superman on Lois and Clark(a show I hate, but that's not important) has also publically stated he won't do interviews with the same shows, as a support for George Clooney. As a matter of fact, the entire cast of ER has said they won't do any interviews with those shows either. I say good for them, the actors that is. I'm so sick of these trash TV shows.
Remember a while back, Alec Baldwin got in trouble for beating up a photographer? In case you need a refresher, the "journalist" trespassed on Alec Baldwin's property to get a picture of Kim Bassinger, Baldwin's wife, and their new baby. I am in support of beating up photographers in general, especially those who refuse to respect the privacy of others. Sure, Alec Baldwin and Kim Bassinger lead rather high profile lives being movie stars, but they are entitled to privacy. Just because one is a celebrity does't mean their whole lives have to be public.
Does anyone really give a crap about OJ Simpson? Sheesh, what a waste of airtime and reporting. OK, so he's on trial for the murder of two people. For quite some time, ALL the major networks plus Court TV and CNN are showing nothing but the damn trial. Hello? There are other things people would rather watch!! Did he do it? I don't care. Did he not do it? I still don't care. In a nutshell, I don't care.(is it sinking in yet, people?) He's found innocent, every single channel in the free world carried this crap. I slept through it, as I did my best to avoid anything relating to the trial. I found out the next day he was found innocent. Big damn deal...
Now there's this civil trial. Looks like this whole pile of crap is coming back again. Not to take sides, but I don't like how this particular process works. Seems they don't have to prove OJ Simpson did the crime, but that he could have. Also, they only need a majority jury vote, not a unanimous vote, although I'll chalk this confusion up to not understanding jury civil cases. If all the prosecuting side has to prove is possibility, then think about what sort of precedent this would set: Anyone can sue anyone else for anything and win their case without having to actually prove anything. In this example, I could get fined serious money for the murder of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown, and I was watching a basketball game at home when that happened. Could I have killed them? Well, yes, it's possible that I could have killed them seeing as how I know how to use a steak knife at dinner to cut meat, but that doesn't say that I actually did the crime.
How come if you're over-drawn at the bank, they charge you for that mistake. Think about it, you make the mistake of writing a check for an amount GREATER than your account. So, now your have NEGATIVE money in the bank, so then the bank FINES you, meaning a GREATER negative. My thoughts are why punish me by making me pay money I don't have? I mean, you are the bank, you should know these sort of things. Does the term "blood from a turnip" mean anything to you?
I don't enjoy banking too much, but it's supposedly a lot safer than carrying your money around in coffee cans or stuffing it your mattress. The teller windows aren't too bad, but it seems like they do the inverse of Lucky's "Three's a crowd" policy at their checkout lines. At Lucky's, when three or more people are in line, they open up another register. At the bank, if there are three more more people in line, a bank teller leaves, and for every three people in line, another teller leaves. Once, there were 30 people in line and no tellers at the counter. You want to see some old people get cranky trying to deposit their Social Security checks would have loved that scene.
Some people say technology and computers are good. I for the most part have to agree, since through the magic of computers and technology and the internet, you're able to see my crazy thoughts right here. I do not trust ATM machines for depositing money though, I personally feel better having a person TRAINED to properly push those buttons to make sure my money gets into my account properly. My attitude is "Hey, in some way, my money is being used to make sure you get paid, so do your job".
On a side-note, I don't mind using the ATM to make purchases or get cash, but I wish they could give me different denominations other than $20's at times. Sometimes I'd like $5's or $10's. What is cool is that some banks are now doing this, but not mine.
The ATM machines at my bank are always loads of fun when I want to use them. Note: Only go during the day, don't go at night, safety first!
No matter when I get there, there are always people at the machines. First, there's always the parent with one or more kids at one of the terminals, trying to do something, but one of the kids always presses button and screws things up. Then there's the mental midget who can't put the card in the machine correctly, and when it finally does, it gets some clothing stuck in the money drawer and can't get out. And of course, at the final windows is some guy who is trying to perform a hostile takover of the bank through the ATM. I mean, this guy is pressing every button, bringing up menus and screens I didn't even know existed. That guy will be there for quite some time.
Usually the parent pops one of the kids and is able to finish that transaction and then I can do my stuff in 30 seconds or less. The 'tard is now drooling and moaning because he's stuck, and Mr. Executive is now cursing at the machine about "frozen accounts, my ass!" or some other pointless crap.
You have to know the Church of Jesus Christ Latter Day Saints(Mormons) has got to be financially based. I mean, you don't see Buddhist's running around making TV commercials. You don't see the other religions with 1-800 numbers giving away Bibles and video-tapes.
You know how those darn annoying Jehovah's Witnesses can be with their "holier than though" attitude? Well, if you slam a door hard enough on one of their feet, you'd hear them utter some words to make you think they are possessed by the devil.
While am ranting on about religion, I wonder if any of the rest of you have noticed this:
The more religious-type material they have on their car, the worse they drive. For example, usually I see people with that IXOYE in the fish or just the fish thing on the back of the car. Those people tend to drive OK. Then you see the ones with the bumper stickers and the cross hanging from the rear view mirror, or the little figures of saints or Jesus or some other crap on the dashboard, either with or without one of those fish things on the back of the car. There are are the people I'm talking about. They drive around with a whole litter of kids, weaving in and out of traffic, speeding, tailgating, never signalling, pulling into traffic when ever there isn't enough room to safely merge, slamming on the breaks with no breaklights. What, do they think God is going to save them? Ya right! The only thing that's going to save them is a cop with an attitude who likes writing tickets. If you think that's bad, I was driving to the Bay Area on Highway 101 and this ancient van came out of nowhere and was immediately on my bumper. He sees a break to the right of maybe slightly more than his van and he shoots between those two cars, meanwhile I'm getting nervous because this idiot is near me. This UGLY brown VW bus is covered with religious bumper stickers and quotes and pictures and belching out thick black smoke from the tailpipe. I tell you, this guy was ready to meet Uncle Darwin right before he meets his god. I don't know what happened to the guy, I just made sure I was FAR away from him! He was weaving, zipping, tailgating, darting in and out....Worst I'd ever seen to date.
I'm driving down the road, and I see these orange rectangular road signs. Most of them are rusty, and all of them have been there for as long as I can remember. These signs say "End Construction". Are these protest signs? I mean, I never see "Begin Construction" signs unless there is road construction actually going on, but the "end" signs stay up forever. I suppose taking OUT an "end" sign would require putting up a "Begin" sign, and the road construction would be to remove an old "end" sign to put up a new one.
There it is, the perfect stretch of road: nice flat level pavement, perfect white lines, smooth, no bumps. Then what do they do? They rip the crap out of it to put manhole covers in it. Seems that the process of putting in a new road involves ripping it up immediately. Odd. That's our tax dollars hard at work.
Have you ever seen major road constructionat night? It's actually pretty cool, although I don't recommend making special trips just to find it. This stuff is especially cool if they are working on a raised structure such as an overpass. First, they have the really bright lights, making it bright as day in the work area. The cool part is the welding as you can really get a good look at the welding torch flame.
Why is it we park in a drive way, but we drive in a park way?
Scientists keep telling us what new things are going to give us cancer. For example, scientists discovered that by giving a rat a zillion-times the dose of sacharrin, it would give the rat cancer. Yeah, I sleep better at night knowing that giving rats a mega-overdosage of an artificial sweetener will give them cancer.
I heard there was a cure for apathy, but I could care less.
Rule 1 of Procrastination:
Did you ever stop and think that your pets don't like video games because they don't have thumbs? Hey, you try using a D-pad controller with no thumbs. Then again, wouldn't it be embrassing to have your dog kick your butt in Mortal Kombat?
Fry's is a rather large electronics chain store in the Bay Area. Not to slam them, but they are consistently the worst-informed sales people, the slowest cashiers and the stupidest managers. It seems you're either a "Customer Service Associate"(cashier), a manager, or not English speaking, with the latter being the most prevailent. To make matters worse, they are RUDE! Sheesh, I could stay home and have people be rude to me, but no, I have to drive 160 miles to do an install for a nice person, and then Fry's happens to be the only place in the area so I can get certain items. Hey, I don't have to take abuse from them, I have hundreds of people near home waiting to abuse me!
I saw a tow-truck towing another tow truck of a different company. Kind of ironic, isn't it.
I saw a sign for this office that offers assistance for the blind. The sign is in great big letters. Hey, they're BLIND! They can't see! OK, yeah, I know, legally blind people can see to varying degrees.
Along with the above, I heard a radio ad for some group that does support for the deaf. Talk about an organization unclear on the subject.
If you think those were bad, check this out. I found this Altziemer's clinic, by accident. You've got to make like a zillion turns, following winding roads, and go down poorly marked(and narrow) alleys. You'd figure these unfortunately Altzhiemer's sufferers already have enough problems remembering things, you'd think this organization would make itself easy to find. I was lost when I found this place.
Statistics show that roughly 34% of all accidents are caused by drunk drivers. Hmm, 100 minus 34 equals 66. Hmm, that would indicate that 66% of all accidents are caused by sober drivers. Now, I'm in no way advocating drinking and driving, but look at the statistics.
Did you ever notice male super heros wear their underwear OUSIDE their tights. On a related item, why are they wearing tights in the first place?
It has been discovered that scientific research is the major cause of cancer in lab rats. Not surprising, but it has also been discovered that scientific research is also the leading cause of death in lab rats.
Why did the Japanese Kamikaze pilots during World War Two wear helmets?
Did you ever stop to consider that sometimes creativity hits a dry spell? Let's just take the names of fruit as our example. We have the banana. We have the red and green apples, along with all their varieties. Apricots, plums, grapes, tangarines, strawberries, nectarines, and many more I can't even think of. Then there it is, the "orange", a rather tasty citrus fruit, round and unassuming. Obsolutely no creativity went into naming this. "Orange", that's not a food, it's a color!
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. And two rights make a U-Turn, in right-hand drive countries.