Ask Dr Stupid: farts
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Date: Wed, 6 Jun 2007 03:47:12 -0700
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To: dr.stupid@studio42.com
From: hash.b@hotmail.co.uk (Ashley )
Subject: farts
Below is the result of your feedback form. It was submitted by
Ashley (hash.b@hotmail.co.uk) on Wednesday, June 06, 2007 at 03:47:12
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email: hash.b@hotmail.co.uk
realname: Ashley
subject: farts
Form-ID: Dr. Stupid Form
Message: why do farts smell?
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Dear Ashley,
What a lovely question. Farts is always a popular subject. Why? Everyone does it, from the lowest of the low to the highest of the high. However, it may be highly possible that the Queen of England actually has a staff person who farts for her, but this is theoretical. Dr. Stupid doubts that there will ever be an official “Royal Farter” position formally recognized. Perhaps that is the role of the Duke of Windsor, but they just added the “or” at the end just to distract from the real purpose and prevent shame and humiliation.
Now, Dr. Stupid does not fart. Why? Because Dr. Stupid is make from wood, cloth and various other products and is not a true biological entity. Regardless, this doesn’t make Dr. Stupid any less qualified to talk intelligently about the topic of farts. There are two paths that Dr. Stupid can take. Dr. Stupid can take the low road, or Dr. Stupid can take the high road. Or, Dr. Stupid can do both.
It seems logical to start with defining what a fart is. A fart itself is the expulsion of gasses from the anus. Farts are mainly comprised of a combination of nitrogen, carbon dioxide, oxygen, methane and hydrogen sulfide. The gas that largely causes the stink is the hydrogen sulfide, which contains sulfur. The amount of sulfur varies from person to person based on their metabolism and diet. Some foods known to contain lots of sulfur included eggs, beans, cheese and cabbage.
Another issue is where do farts come from. Farts come from several things, and these are usually combined. When you eat, you naturally swallow some air. Some of this air passes through the stomach and to the small intestine and in turn moves to the large intestine. Anther source of some of these gasses come from your blood using your intestines to dump collected waste materials.What you eat also contribute to your farts. In the large intestine lives millions of bacteria, and these bacteria help break down your solid waste products even more. These bacteria generate some of the gasses mentioned previous as a waste function of their own digestion, and they also need the oxygen you swallowed to help them breathe. So, in effect, these little bugs are farting into you, and when enough pressure builds in your colon, you in turn fart. So, you’re not really farting, you’re second-hand farting. It’s bad enough that the bacteria don’t pay you any rent for living in your butt, but their constant farting is just plain rude. Of course, chances are, when nano-technology can be used to make microphones on the microscopic level, we may be able to capture the sound of bacteria farts. Are there any audio specialists up to the challenge?
The scientific and factual description isn’t always exciting. Regardless, science itself is a very important thing to study and learn. Someone somewhere probably got a very large government grant to research why farts smell. Can you believe that? Someone got paid big time just to sit around farting. Of course, they couldn’t just eat beans and fart all day they actually had to do some work. You know it has to have been some college guy, and most likely some fraternity guy who brought in his fellow fraternity brothers. Dr. Stupid figures a lot of the money was spent on beans and beer and most of the time was spent playing “Pull My Finger”. Dr. Stupid knows it had to be a guy since girls deny that they fart at all. Researching the farting of women is a whole different research project. The reality is that girls fart just as much as guys. Girls just won’t admit to it.
There are many double standards in life, and farting is one of them. While it is considered more socially acceptable for a guy to not only make a sonic blast out of his rear end, but even a fart that is so foul and horrible in smell will either get a reaction of “ewwww” or “good one” followed by a high-five. If a girl rips a paint-peeling fart around the presence of others, she is ostracized, regardless of the noise. However, farting, no matter how done or by who, is looked down upon in most formal situations. People at formal events typically do what is known as “stealth farting”, where they hope they can sneak out a silent fart, only to be discovered by the stink that normally goes with the a silent but deadly fart.
Farts are the great equalizer. Everyone does it. Girls want to tell you that their farts smell like roses. Dr. Stupid knows from experience that there is no rose on this planet that has a smell like that. Farts smell to let you and everyone else know that you are no better than anyone else. They also serve as a warning to others and yourself to clear the area because of the biohazard you’ve just released upon them.
Farts have incredible power. They can burn because of the methane content. However, using this methane is not a practical method for powering the energy needs of the world because it is not practical to install methane collection devices in all the creatures that fart. Aside from the possible alternate fuel potential, farts have the power to change destinies. While the sound of a fart can provide either instant amusement or disgust, it is the smell that is the ultimate source of the power of farts. Smelly farts have wrecked relationships and destroyed marriages. Farts may be an undisclosed political and diplomatic tactic. Dr. Stupid is also fairly positive that wars have begun by some especially nasty farts. Dog farts have ruined countless intimate encounters. The scientific community is even trying to blame global warming on cow farts.
Dr. Stupid was able to explain why farts smell. What Dr. Stupid currently does not know is what the purpose is for farts to smell, although Dr. Stupid has provided some possible theories. Maybe with a little luck, Dr. Stupid can get a big government grant to fully explore this.
Dr. Stupid hopes this helps.
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Disclaimer: Dr. Stupid is not a licensed medical practioner. Studio42 is not responsible for any advise given on this web site.
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