Ask Dr Stupid: Subject: whyyy am i so hairy
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Date: Wed, 12 Mar 2008 07:28:58 -0800
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To: Dr. Stupid
From: morganlovesjames@hotmail.co.uk (stu)
Subject: whyyy am i so hairy
Below is the result of your feedback form. It was submitted by
stu (morganlovesjames@hotmail.co.uk) on Wednesday, March 12, 2008 at 07:28:58
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email: morganlovesjames@hotmail.co.uk
realname: stu
subject: whyyy am i so hairy
Form-ID: Dr. Stupid Form
Message: i have a problem that every tume i shave for some reason theyy
apear back bigger and stronger. they just wont leave me alone. they keep on
harrassing me its so frustrating, ive even tried tapping them down but oh no
they find away to pop out my jeans. its so embarressing, i have even been
mistaking as a monkey when i visited the zooo :O
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Dear Stu:
It is hard to understand the exact nature of your question. Must be something to do with infinite monkeys and infinite computers. Wait, that might be the theory behind the internet. Either way, Dr. Stupid does feel this applies to you. So, why not grab a banana, sit down, engage in some personal grooming and read.
Dr. Stupid is assuming that you are a male. It is hard to tell in this day of online living. People seem to make up identities for themselves, which may or may not be based on reality. The bigger concern may be what species are you. After all, on the internet, nobody knows you're a dog. In your case, nobody knows you're a monkey, or not. By the way, how's that banana?
Most human males shave their faces. Some shave their heads. Some shave their chests. Heck, some male swimmers shave their arms and legs. Clearly, shaving is a nearly universal activity among most societies around the planet. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. Usually, when hair grows, it will typically grow back. What is actually happening is the hair isn't actually growing back. Shaving doesn't remove the hair. Shaving cuts the hair, usually at a level close to the skin or slightly below the skin. The rest of the hair is still there, and continues to grow. As you have noticed, this continued hair growth requires you to shave again. Then the hair grows more, and you shave it off again. It's a vicious cycle.
What is also happening is that hair tends to grow in cycles. This happens all over the body. A small percentage of hair follicles will go dormant, while the rest grows. At some point, those dormant follicles wake up and start to grow or re-grow hair while then other follicles go dormant. When these follicles go dormant, the hair in the follicle will usually fall out after a while as the root dries up. This is natural. Scientists estimate that these cycles of dormancy can last anywhere from six months to two years, depending on the individual. It is because of this cycle of follicles going in and out of dormancy is why hair removal treatments such as electrolysis and laser removal can take over two years to complete to effectively rid an area of unwanted hair.
There are many other methods of hair removal that you may or may not have tried. Shaving is by far the most popular method of hair removal. Access to name brand razors and shavers is affordable to most people. Obviously, you're using the shaving method. Shaving can be done via a modern cartridge blade system used on most hand held shavers and disposable shavers. There are many electric shaving solutions from many reputable companies. A lesser-used shaving method these days is to actually go into a barber's shop and be shaved with a straight razor. While this method may look archaic and possibly dangerous, it is really just as safe as any other shaving method if done by a skilled professional. This method is slightly more prone to nicks and cuts due to a lack of any sort of safety system, but this is also true using cartridge blades or disposable razors.
If shaving isn't your style, there are still solutions. Waxing or sugaring involves using a hot or warmed material that is spread over the area that you wish to remove hair from. Usually, some sort of cloth-type strip is pressed into this material. When the material is sufficiently cooled, which doesn't take very long, the cloth is pulled way from the skin rapidly, taking away most of the hair that was covered by the waxing or sugaring material. What is happening is that hair is being pulled out by the roots in large numbers. This method can be somewhat painful. While some of the waxing materials are made to help sooth the skin and dull the pain, you're still having hair ripped out by the roots. An advantage of using this method is that sometimes it can take hair up to six weeks to return. If your skin is clean and healthy, you shouldn't have very many ingrown hairs or bumps when the hair grows back. The larger the area treated per pull, the more pain that can occur. I guess if you're really into pain, you could use a beach towel and two big guys to hold you down and two more to yank the towel off you and you can do a full body waxing in one shot. If you do this, it would probably result in one of the top 3 loudest screams in history, so contact a news crew or have a friend video tape this so you can post it to YouTube, Dr. Stupid would want to see this.
Similar to sugaring or waxing are various other depilatory hair removal solutions. Like waxing, it involves a material to be applied to the area you wish to remove hair from. This material is usually a cream or lotion and should be left in place as per the instructions provided. After treatment, most of these involve some combination of rinsing or gentle rubbing to remove the hair. These work by breaking down the chemical bonds that hold up the hair and dissolve it. Like waxing, this can have long lasting results. You should try these products first in a small area to test for any sort of allergic reaction. Some people note a slight burning or discomfort that goes away when the chemicals are cleaned away. Many of these products may also have an unpleasant odor. Then again, you may also have an unpleasant odor, so it may just work out for you.
But if shaving, waxing or dissolving your hair away isn't your style, there are still other methods. Plucking or pulling our hairs is a good solution for treating small areas, like eyebrows. As mentioned earlier, permanent hair removal methods are also viable options if you want to remove hair from an area permanently. This is generally used for treating large areas. Permanent hair removal is usually done over many sessions over a period of time to ensure complete removal. Of course, if that is not your style, there are always things like belt sanders, sand paper, cement, duct tape, super glue and other non-conventional methods that are all highly recommended that you avoid to avoid serious personal injury. It's one thing if these methods happen by accident. To use them deliberately as hair removal methods is just plain stupid. No doubt you've been a witness to the first hand effects of what dragging your knuckles on the sidewalk can do for any hair on your fingers and back of your hand.
The idea that hair grows back bigger and stronger after shaving, waxing or plucking is mostly a myth. While it is possible for the hair to grow back stronger, hair usually just grows back at the same thickness it was before. If you are using a blade method for hair removal, such as regular or disposable razors, shaving will dull the blade. This shaving and blade dulling is why you must change your blade or razor from time to time. This may give the impression that the hair is growing back thicker and stronger. The hair on different parts of the body is thicker and stronger than hair on other parts of the body. In the case of most human males, facial hair growth tends to be thicker and stronger than hair growing on the rest of the head.
Hair is a rather strong material. It has been written that a human facial hair is as strong as copper wire of the same thickness. A recommended shaving practice for shaving any hair is to soften the hair prior to shaving. A very common method is to apply some sort of shaving foam or gel to the area to be shaved. Another method is much simpler and involves shaving while in the bath or shower, using the water to soften the hair. While the softening effects are the same, the foam or gel methods also provide mild lubricants to help the blade slide over the skin to reduce irritation. Of course, it can't hurt to combine these methods. Use whatever method works best for you. It is recommended to use a shaving foam or gel when using a blade. If you also want to use warm water to help soften the whiskers before applying the foam or gel, that certainly can't be a bad thing.
What confuses and worries Dr. Stupid is that you mention that things keep harassing you. It is unclear exactly what you are talking about. Dr. Stupid suspects that it might be parasites. Now, before you start throwing feces at your computer monitor, Dr. Stupid would like for you to ponder the information you have provided to Dr. Stupid, as well as the answer that Dr. Stupid is providing.
Based on your description, Dr. Stupid thinks that you are probably infested with parasites. No doubt your regular routine of ridding yourself of such pesky insects and arachnids has been disrupted. It is not your hair that is harassing you. What is harassing you are things such as fleas, ticks, chiggers and head lice. There are many things you can do to help rid yourself of these problems. Soap and water can remove most fleas especially if you use a soap designed to kill fleas. Ticks and chiggers can be removed by various methods. One effective but time-consuming method is through mutual grooming, which is something you're no doubt familiar with. It can tedious work removing ticks and chiggers one at a time, but it seems to work quite well for other primates, such as chimpanzees, orangutans, gorillas and baboons, just to name a few. Killing Head lice is a bit trickier and will require some sort of medication designed to kill them. Further quarantine methods and treatments are necessary to ensure that clothes, carpet and other fibrous materials are also free from contamination.
Dr. Stupid also notices that you have been trying some possible methods of hair removal that involves the usage of duct tape. You mention that you try to contain the harassing elements by taping them down but they keep getting out of your jeans anyways. While desperation and frustration may have led you to take extreme measures, you've no doubt learned the hard way the downside of using duct tape in that area, especially during the tape removal process. For such extreme measures, it sounds like you have what are called "crabs", and like with lice, requires special medication to remove this from your body. No doubt you got this from going at it like monkeys. Chances are, whomever you got it from got it from someone else. The likelihood of you having some other sort of interesting infection is also quite good. It may be a good time for you to seek out the help of a doctor, or perhaps a veterinarian. This is definitely not something you want to monkey around with.
There is also the possibility that you have a condition known as Hypertrichosis, which is also known as The Werewolf Syndrome. You can look this up online if you can manage to type it in. This condition causes excessive facial hair growth. It is not a disease and not contagious. The condition is genetic. It can affect males and females alike but it seems to appear more in males.
There are several things you can try to avoid being confused for a monkey when going to the zoo. The first thing you can do is wear a T-shirt with the words "I am not a monkey" printed on it in large, easily visible letters. You might also want to carry identification that proves that you are human and not a monkey. Instead of trying to get into the zoo by scaling a wall or climbing a tree, you might try the main entrance and pay the admission fee. In such cases of trying to be cheap, it's not confusion that you may or may not be a monkey, but rather security enforcing admission fees.
While the above advice is more obvious, there are no doubt some behavioral things you can address. A quick change would be to make sure you're standing and walking fully upright. Knuckle dragging is a sure sign of being a lower primate, or at the very least, middle management. It would probably be a good idea to stop shouting, 'It's OK Mom, I'm gonna bust you outta here" every time you pass by a primate exhibit. Throwing your feces is definitely something you should avoid at all costs. Likewise, tasting your own urine might also be bad form that could get you confused with being a monkey, especially if you do it while urinating. Lastly, leave the bananas at home. Most zoos don't like it when outside food comes in just to prevent animals from getting sick. On the same note, trying to steal food from the primate exhibits would also be a bad thing to do. While you are at it, pounding your fists into your chest and yelling is really only going to end up getting you kicked out of the zoo for teasing the primates.
Dr. Stupid suggests that if this continues to be a problem, you stay away from zoos and wildlife parks. If you continue to like to look at animals, you might wish to try a nearby aquarium exhibit. If they confuse you for a fish, then you have some serious problems.
Enjoy being hirsute. Grow a beard, take a flea dip, eat a banana.
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Disclaimer: Dr. Stupid is not a licensed medical practioner. Studio42 is not responsible for any advise given on this web site.
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